(A post dedicated to my man's birthday)
All this while, I have been praying for love. A genuine, undivided, unparallel and unconditional form of love to be in favor of me. While people around me are receiving theirs, I want to claim mine as if it is some sort of voucher I have long waiting for. If love is the voucher, you are the reward. The most awaited one. And here I am collecting and claiming my reward after a long wait (you are indeed worth waiting for). At 24 years old, exactly when I was at my lowest point of life (adulting and such), you come and bring along hope with you, for me. I am grateful, I am hopeful, I am confident, and most importantly, I am beyond happy to learn about you and me.
For me, embarking on this whole new healthy adult relationship requires a great deal of attempts from my side. Not to mention the effort that I need to put to recondition myself to believe that there are people out there (YOU; in this case) that is sincere, genuine and available enough tending to my vast spectrums of emotions that need to be peeled off layer by layer before reaching to the core level of the emotional intimacy which is so delicate in nature. And for a person who has been living her entire life with a series of unlucky friendship and relationship, now is the time to unlearn and discard those misfortune events from my memory that has been deep-seated in my heart, profoundly.
From time to time, although I know the more that I see myself behaving in a certain way. By that means my reaction, my jealousy, my anxious attachment style, my meltdown, my insanity and the never-ending list of my tantrums are not something that I am proud of or even something that I would exhibit publicly to those people who are unfamiliar with my conditions. I have learned that full disclosure about my character is not always the best idea. For someone like me, I was accustomed to masking my natural personality in order to conform to the social standard and acceptable behavior defined by most people. In another word, a "people pleaser". I guess this was partly tied to my upbringing, environment, belief and those multifactorial traits that later, manifest both consciously and subconsciously in my current adulthood since most of them were left unresolved or unattended. But since personality is relatively stable/permanent in nature, gradually, you would have seen it all including my temperament, vulnerability, neuroticism and sensitivity especially reacting rationally to contextual circumstances which I have a lot to work on.
To tell you the truth, up until this very moment, I still feel surreal and sometimes, perplexed. Will you stay forever with me? Will I be good enough for you? Will you still love me after seeing my true colors? Will you have the same intentions as mine? Will you be able to handle difficult? These questions chain to my thought process. I worried a lot, I was afraid most of the time, and I feel confused sometimes. I have the fear of abandonment. These feelings resurfaced from time to time. Being an overthinker by default, I am susceptible to sabotaging myself, I have always expected the worst-case scenario, especially when a conflict arises. I can see ahead and how things are going to go wrong, I was expecting to get hurt, to fall apart and be broken. I am perfectly aware it is damaging, it is unhealthy, and it can affect the relationship down the line but I have had a string of unsuccessful relationships or it is actually more of a half-cooked connection I had previously with the wrong guy(s). Therefore, it is only reasonable for me to have that kind of cognitive distortion.
With you, I would not say perfect because that is not for human attributes, but everything is near perfect. And it is making me crazy because I can't see ahead or even predict where it is going to go wrong. Perhaps now is the time to start believing that we are never wrong for the right person, we will never be too clingy, too dominant, too needy, too bossy, too controlling, too demonstrative of showing love, too boring, too fat or generally too much for a person who is meant for you, who has the similar/right intentions set for you at the beginning (by that I mean marriage).
Day by day, as we know each other, I am really fascinated by your psyche and psychological orientation. Honestly, you score the most when you talked about your deepest feelings and behaved in the most childlike manner. It is like you are stripped naked that I can see those parts of you that you have been hiding just so that people won't leave you. When we are around each other, I want us to stay playful and silly. I want to make full use of this exciting experience together. I want to live in the moment with you. To be in the here and now. I want to build my future, my dreams, and hope together with you in it. I want us to be vulnerable to each other without having any forethought of being judged. To be emotionally available cause we perfectly realize how sensitive and sentimental we both are, you know that.
My love, you are my confidant whom I share my secret and private matters with, my go-to person when I need to cry (since I am a crybaby and you too are) for the most trivial or tiny little issues I encounter in my life when I am exhausted and overused my body parts (mostly when I immerse myself in my work). You have been part of me that can't be detached anymore. You are the person whom I rely on and I don't plan to go back to being an independent woman anymore since now that I have you to share the burden with and vice versa. You are my choice and I will still choose you over and over again.
I hope that you don't even catch a cold, I am going to hope that you will not suffer a single day of being afraid of the idea of losing me because we now, each and every single day will never stop praying to Allah to always hold our hearts tightly so that it belongs to each other that only death can do us part. I will forever hope that we will appreciate each other and continue to grow and nurture our love day by day. I hope that we will work through any conflict respectfully. I hope that you will always be in your element, your truest self. I hope that we will have what amounts to an endgame, everlasting love.
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| a sneak peek of the gift that specially made for you |
p/s:
Dear baby,
The future might be scary and full of uncertainties, but I believe that for as long as we have each other, we can get through almost everything together. I love you, forever and beyond.