My long overdue journal is finally being published here! I am super proud of my courage folks! (patting myself on the back).
Arina to Arina: Wrote this on 11/5/2021 only to post it now like are you serious babe?
Ok, let’s cut to the chase. Truth be told, this year’s Ramadan has been so exclusive.
I believe for most of all, it has been nothing but remarkable. With the pandemic
taking control over the entire world, the political catastrophic and turbulence
that is happening in Sheikh Jarrah including our personal battle with ourselves
and the list goes on. Just look at how far we have come, people!
I could not sample it all but what I feel is the instantaneous and mixture of emotions and feelings—tormented me to the extent that it crippled and numb my mind. Perhaps perplexed is the most
suitable word to describe my whole loads of feelings.
With the new and unfamiliar phase that embarks my journey as a partial
working adult, I honestly feel overwhelmed as if I’m tolerating more than what
I should or am capable of.
My daily routine is 0830 - 1700 at work and 2000 -2200 at the masjeed and at that point throughout the blessing month of Ramadan, the self-limiting thought crawled to me saying that my body, mind and feeling are crying for help. I even started to think of it this way, overusing my body can actually lead me towards being zalim or cruel to myself. But I keep in my mind that I always need to seize every opportunity that I have to perform as much Ibadah during this month.
However, my rationale immediately counter-balances the thoughts saying that I shouldn’t limit myself when it comes to ibadah. I shouldn’t feed all the unwanted and self-limiting thoughts and let them become a monster that conquers me. Hello? I’m bigger than this. Bigger than the problem I carry.
I haven’t been much help to my mum in preparing sahoor and iftar meals. I feel guilty for that but I compensate for it by cleaning the dishes. Still, it doesn’t and never will equate to the sacrifice that my mum did, my whole family members too. I thank Allah, and the entire being around me for easing me in whatever ways that I could never thank them enough.
Juggling between academic life and work. This is one of the most challenging
phases in my life. I sometimes doubt my ability. However, I am proud to
announce that now Allah has granted and enhanced my empathy and understanding
towards those who are working while studying but still able to shine. MasyaAllah.
Mad respect to you guys!
Here’s to my version of Ramadan this year:
Þ
To improve my quality of ibadah in the form of Taraweeh
prayer, Quranic reading, dzikir and etc.
Þ
To sharpen my rusty writing skills.
Þ
To
finish my data collection for my Final Year Project.
Þ
To make more sadaqah (even if it is just online).
Þ
To purify and cleanse my heart.
Þ To make this Ramadan better than the previous one.
What I prayed for and what has been added to my daily du’a collection as I
continuously and actively pray to God:
¨
Ya Allah, please help me to recall my memory and
all the knowledge I have learned throughout the year of my study.
¨
Ya Allah, please remove my anger, my frustration
and my dependency towards people that can contaminate my concentration to you Ya
Allah.
¨
Ya Allah, please let this feeling be less intense and the memories less enduring Ya Allah (will talk more in my next entry).
¨
Ya Allah, please keep my imaan and taqwa intact
with me.
¨
Ya Allah, help me to keep rising above Ya Allah.
¨
Ya Allah, I am not asking for easy, but please
make everything bearable and manageable for me.
¨
Ya Allah, please direct me towards the
path/whatever that makes me feel and bring me closer to you Ya Allah.
P/S: Work-life
Even the simplest and smallest activity sparks my joy and happiness such as learning to use the photocopy machine, how to bind a document...
I found it enjoyable.